I knew I shouldn’t have opened the link Anne Marie sent me at midnight on a Tuesday night.  but I did it anyway, as I have a tendency to do.

Then, I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep.

As I also have a tendency to do.

SheSpeaks is a speaker/writer’s conference put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries.  It is in North Carolina this year, which is within driving distance.  It is the weekend of my BIRTHDAY.  It is an hour from friends from high school whom I haven’t seen since my 20th reunion in 2008. You can have your writing critiqued. You can have your project idea critiqued.  You can have your proposal critiqued.  You can PITCH your proposal.  *deep breath*

I.  Want.  To.  Go.

Here’s the thing.  It’s funny (in a not-so-funny way) how suddenly all the courage that has propelled me to sit my fanny in front of my monitor and write is now suddenly threatening to LEAVE. As in, GONE. I hear my whimpy inner voice saying things like:

Get a proposal done in time?  I can’t do that!

Send out a fund-raising letter?  I can’t do that!

Have my writing critiqued publically?  I can’t do that!

Share a hotel room with a stranger?

Meet with a publisher to pitch my manuscript?

Take time off of work?

Pay all that money?

I can’t DO that!

*deep breath*

But can I?  Can I?

The thoughts swirl inside my head.  Why can’t I?

Because I fear what other people will think.

Because I fear appearing self-promoting or attention seeking.

Because I fear rejection.

Because I fear failing.

Isn’t it interesting how, just when you start thinking and writing about trust, you’re suddenly asked to actually practice it?

*gulp*

What if I can do this?  What if I can do this?

And what if I don’t?

courage inspiration reflection spiritual growth trust writing