(This is the eight post in the Serenity Prayer series.)

You know worst thing about being sick?

It’s the worst thing about trying to lose weight… and the worst thing about parenting… and the worst thing about running a half-marathon… and the worst thing about getting married and choosing a major and buying a car and hard-boiling an egg.

EVERYONE has an opinion. Their own explanations. Their own methods. Theories. Plans. Books. Schemes.

And EVERYONE ELSE’S opinion?

IS WRONG.

“But how can this be,” I used to think to myself when I was trying to lose weight for the umpteenth time. “This book says eat only meat and this book says eat only carbs and this book says eat only purple vegetables and this book says eat only gummy bears and they somehow all seem to equally make sense AND EVERYONE ELSE IS LOSING WEIGHT ON THEM BUT ME!!!”

“But how can this be,” I used to think to myself when I was desperately trying to figure out how to parent my HIGHLY SPIRITED CHILD who came out that way from BIRTH. “This book says let her cry it out and this book says to respond to her needs and this book says to only feed her on a very strict schedule and this book says to just put a bowl out next to the cats’ and let her fend for herself and they somehow all seem to equally make sense AND EVERYONE ELSE’S CHILD IS SLEEPING AND COOING AND CALM BUT MINE!!!”

“But how can this be,” I used to think to myself when I was first struggling with pain and fatigue. “This book says it’s my microbiome so eat more probiotics and this book says it’s chronic bacterial and fungal infections so take tons of antibiotics and antifungals and this book says it’s chronically reactivated Epstein Barr so I need to be a sloth and sleep all the time to get it back into remission and this book says it’s fibromyalgia and I need to gently move as much as possible in order to recover and they somehow all seem to equally make sense AND EVERYONE ELSE IS GETTING BETTER BUT ME!!!”

And THIS is where we come to the crux of the Serenity Prayer.

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can, and

THE WISDOM TO KNOW DIFFERENCE.

I’ve written before (but apologetically don’t have the energy to find it right now) that I’ve never been one to repeatedly ask the “WHY?” question. Sure, as any good counselor, I like to analyze the crap out of things and attempt to understand what has brought us to this particular place. But when it comes to my own life, the question I am much more inclined to ask, over and over and over again, is “HOW?”

But, HOW do I know what to accept?

But, HOW do I know it’s truly not changeable?

But, HOW do I know what to change?

But, HOW do I know if I actually CAN change it?

But, HOW do I know when it’s time to give up hope for change?

But, HOW do I know when something I’ve desperately WANTED to change needs to just be accepted?

But, HOW DO I KNOW?

And THIS is where we need wisdom. Or, better yet, discernment. Because when you add religion into the mix, it becomes even more complicated:

HOW, as a Christian, do you KNOW—is this an attack of the enemy? Is this a test from the Lord?  Is this a thorn in the flesh? Is this my “cross” to bear?  Do I fight this or surrender to it? Does this come from the Lord or from the enemy? And if God allows it all, does it even matter? 

And again, it all comes back to having the wisdom to discern what to accept and what to change.

So, if we’re going to talk about both wisdom AND discernment, it might help to know what the difference is. Which means, of course, I’m going to go Word Nerd on you. So buckle up. Let’s start with wisdom:

WISDOM: the soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of experience, knowledge of what is true and right, insight, and good judgment.

So wisdom, as typically defined, tends to come from a growing body of personal or communal knowledge and judgment, formed over years of experience. Discernment, though similar, is slightly different.

DISCERNMENT: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure; the act of perceiving or differentiating something.

So, we see right off the bat the that first comes more from experience and the second is more of an “innate” thing. BUT, where does that innateness come from? I think that’s where spirituality comes in—in my particular case, the presence and action of the Holy Spirit:

DISCERNMENT: the spiritual perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining guidance and understanding or perceiving what is right and wrong.

I believe this wisdom spoken of here in this prayer is both mundane AND divine in nature. And that the divine is probably the more important and necessary of the two.

I mean, let’s think about this—how do we just GET wisdom? How do we LEARN to discern? Well, you’ll note this is a PRAYER. Which means we’re asking someone or something outside of ourselves for help. Because we can’t figure it out ourselves. This is, after all, what the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (where this prayer is most famously used) are based on, are they not?  We determined we were powerless, we realized we needed a higher power to help us, and we made a decision to yield to that higher power.

So here’s the thing—regardless of your belief system, this is a supernatural process. We do not—cannot—just know the answers. That is why we are forced to ask for help.

My father loves to read about famous political figures who exhibited great character—for years his favorite was Abraham Lincoln. So, needless to say, I have bought and perused many an Abe Lincoln book in my day. And one quote that always stood out to me was this:

I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.”

― Abraham Lincoln

This was a man who knew he did not have it within himself to know what, exactly, needed changed and HOW, for the love of God, to actually CHANGE IT. But he knew where to go.

And it is the “where” question, ironically, that answers all our “HOW?” questions.

We find our wisdom to know the difference by turning where humans have turned for centuries—to the many voices of God, beginning with scripture and prayer:

James 1:5 says, 

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

We read in Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV),

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

And in one of my favorite passages of scripture of all time, we read in Romans in The Message,

The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us. Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! 

Romans 8: 1-6 MSG

I know no better way to say it—wisdom and discernment are found when we STOP TRYING TO REDOUBLE OUR OWN EFFORTS (read: WHEN WE STOP TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT AND FIX IT OURSELVES) and we stop, and we get quiet, and we listen for that still, small voice of the Divine within us and we TRUST it and we EMBRACE it.

(And let it not be lost on you that we talked about EMBRACE when we talked about ACCEPTANCE.)

BUT. We MUST be careful to not assume that this means the answers will always be clear. Sometimes we feel the answer so clearly it’s as if God has highlighted it on a page or whispered it in our ear or taken out a billboard in Times Square. Other times, not so much. Oswald Chambers, the author of My Utmost for His Highest (the only devotional I’ve been able to stomach enough to read all the way through), reminds us why this is:

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do He reveals to you who He is.  

— Oswald Chambers

And THIS is the mystery of wisdom. It comes not in the seeking, but in the sitting. It comes not in the looking, but in the listening. It comes not in the calculating, but in the contemplation. It comes not in the grasping, but in the releasing.

It comes not in the answer, but in the one Who IS the Answer.

You want to know what to accept and what to change?

Then you must take the oldest advice known to man:

Be still, and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

acceptance bestillandknow change courage discernment embrace hearing god prayer serenity serenity prayer supernatural trust wisdom