Timing is everything.

I sat down this past Monday with one of my best friends to finally listen to a Beth Moore series I intended to listen to, oh, about *cough* six months ago, and was reminded, yet again, of this small but irrefutable fact.  Timing. Is. Everything.

I have alluded to the beginning of this year having been rough—physically, logistically, financially, parentally, maritally, professionally, creatively, emotionally, spiritually.  Rough.  What I’ve not shared—for a number of reasons—is how a rough winter went into a difficult spring then lapsed into a challenging summer then ramped up into a full frontal assault as we turned the corner in to fall.  ROUGH. 

I know I am not the only one of us who has known ROUGH.  In fact, many of you, even in this very season, have known rougher.  I am not playing the self-pity fiddle—at least not today.  This is shared not to garner sympathy or elicit responses or make excuses for my absence.  It is shared simply as context.  Because in addition to timing, context is also everything.

In the midst of my own particular brand of ROUGH, I will confess I have despaired over quite a number of things, not the least of these being my mind-bending confusion and frustration regarding what I believe I heard from the Lord very loud and clear but completely lack the time and ability and energy and resources to pursue and make happen.  I have clearly—CLEARLY—reached the end of myself.  I have seen quite plainly that THIS. IS. BEYOND. ME. And I have slowly but surely felt the air go out my sails, as hope and faith have waned.

Cue the video. What is our topic this lovely September morning? The fruit of the Spirit, picked out last spring when the pursuit of joy seemed noble and attainable.  And what is our title?  Living Beyond Yourself.

We’re cruising along with the introductory session—flipping around in our Bibles, laughing about her hair, dutifully taking notes—tracking with her exhortation to live life to the full, when she suddenly lands on this BEYOND word.  And she suddenly dives in to Philippians 3:12-14.  And she suddenly begins to talk about pressing on. And I suddenly begin to squirm.

Hmmm.  Isn’t that interesting timing, my friend says.  Beth Moore keeps pressing ahead.

Whatever God has planned and purposed for you here on this earth, it is undoubtedly something that is BEYOND YOU.  It is going to be a reach.  It is going to be a strain.  It is going to be beyond your natural talents and abilities.

Okay, I’m ready for this segment to be over, I remark.  My friend gives me a familiar side-ways glance.

This thing can ONLY be fulfilled through the Spirit—every bit of the destiny God has for you is going to be beyond the natural realm of what you’re capable of.  It is going to force you to reach.  It is going to force you to strain.  It is going to force you to press on. 

What ever made us think that what God has called us to isn’t going to COST us anything???

Whose stupid idea was this, anyway? I ask, fighting back tears I dont wish to be seen.

Hmmm.  I don’t know.  Maybe GOD’S?

She moves on from Point Number Three (My __purpose__ is __beyond__ me), and I take a deep breath, thinking I am off the emotional hook.

I am not.

Point Number Four.  My seasonal __circumstances__ are often __beyond__ me.

I give my friend the you have GOT to be flippin’ kidding me look.

Somebody listening RIGHT NOW is going through a season where they are about to despair of life.  There are going to be times when we are going to go through things that seem beyond our ability to endure.

I am almost beyond my ability to hold it in.

Point Number Five.  My unrelenting __daily__ __demands__ are __beyond__ me.

I have since stopped giving my friend the are you kidding? look as it would risk giving away the depth of emotion I am struggling to contain.

We have to learn to struggle with HIS energy, not our own.

God wants to USE you.  And when he unleashes the mighty power of the Holy Spirit on your life, and you are doing things you KNOW you can’t do—things that are BEYOND you—THAT is when you’ll know God is God.

And I am BEYOND done.

Fortunately, so is Beth Moore.

It’s about time.

Fast-forward to the present, as I sit in front of my computer caught in the tension of having entirely too many things to do today to be able to focus on just one. And this is the conclusion I draw, from these last nine months of frustration and futility:

Trying to live BEYOND yourself from WITHIN yourself is akin to that Sisyphus dude rolling the same ball up the same hill day after day after day.

You don’t get anywhere.  And you get tired.  And you gain weight.  And you get sick.  And you get sick AND tired.  And you get discouraged.  And you begin to question the point.  And you begin to wonder if somewhere, somehow, your earnest and well-thought out attempts actually crossed over and began coloring outside the lines of the will of God.

Or maybe it’s just me.

So did I step out of God’s will when I came home from my writer’s conference last July and began trying to put into place much of the good advice I’d gotten?  When I revamped my blog?  When I started a second?  AND a newsletter?  And started seriously writing 15 to 20 hours a week?  To the exclusion of exercise and quiet time and playing the piano and, well, everything else?

I don’t know.

I just know that when Beth Moore said Some of you listening today are at the point of despair, my heart and my spirit and my tear ducts all said, YES.  That would be ME.

That would be me.

I have said all along that this thing was beyond me—that if this writing thing, this speaking thing, this ministry thing was ever going to happen, it was gonna HAVE to be God, because I didn’t have it in me to do all that it takes to MAKE this work. The self-promotion thing?  It’s just not me.  The platform building?  It’s a full time job.  And I already have two. The research?  Are you kidding?  I need an assistant.  The push to get my name in print?  Another full time job.  Now I’m up to five.  And that’s not even taking into effect the REST of my life.

So.

Where does this leave me?

I have determined it leaves me right back where I started.  With my paper, my pen, my Bible, and the thoughts inside my head.

I’m going back to what I do best—simply writing.

What will that look like?  Until I hear a clear this is the way, walk ye in it, it will look like paring down to one blog (Live Like You’re Loved) and ditching the newsletter.  My energy will be focused there:  building the number of resources available on the site, creating some e-books, maintaining a regular posting schedule, writing what God puts on my heart.

The Joy Project is still on the radar. It will likely move over and reside here when I am ready (and instructed) to pick it back up again. The manuscript is still alive, though existing somewhere in limbo until I hear a clear directive as to how and when to proceed. In the meantime, I am working on notes for a second manuscript, which will be percolating in the background (and may likely be the inspiration for several blog posts).  I am NOT giving up.  I am simply going back, as Fezzik said, to the beginning.

From there, well, that’s beyond me. Fortunately, that seems to be the point.

As is learning how to press on without running ahead. Or how to persevere not in my own strength but in the Lord’s. Or learning to trust—there’s a novel idea—that God will finish the work he has begun in his perfect timing.

Trusting God and his timing.

That’s, well, pretty much everything.

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