You’re all probably well aware there is no shortage of statistics about the ways in which the holidays can affect people negatively. We hear it all the time, around this holiday season.  Many studies claim increases in depression rates, suicide rates, alcoholism rates, and, for many, increases in weight at this time of year.  Obligations increase.  Demands increase.  Headaches increase.  Difficulty sleeping increases. Commercialism increases.  Family tension increases.  Anxiety increases.  Financial strain increases.  Worry increases.  Pain increases. Fatigue increases.  And while there is much debate about just how accurate some of these statistics are, and whether they are better reflective of the period before Christmas or the period after, I can tell you this from my own experience: my counseling calendar was crammed  WELL beyond my usual max each and every Christmas and well into the month of January with people expressing these very same issues and concerns, and more.

So, why is a holiday that is characterized by peace and hope and joy such a DIFFICULT TIME for so many people?

My observation, in my eighteen years of a packed holiday calendar, is that it often has much to do with our expectations.  Because we enter Christmas, and, truth be told, live much of our lives, in a state of such high expectation, many of us spend much of our time either fearing or experiencing disappointment.

“Doctor Google” seems to agree with me.  Here’s just a sampling of what the best of the web has to say about Christmas Depression.  From one site:

Most of us, at some time in our lives, have felt depressed around the holidays. It happens when our grand holiday expectations collide with the reality of squabbling in-laws, sullen teenagers, disappointing gifts, and over-limit credit cards. It happens as soon as we hear the sound of relatives resuming their old familiar, dysfunctional roles in the family.  We feel it when we’re looked over for a bonus.  We recognize it as that sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs, when we find ourselves thinking, “Here we go again…”

And from another:

It’s a popular misconception that suicide rates increase over the Christmas period. In fact the evidence points in the opposite direction. This is encouraging news but the fact remains that, for many people, the Christmas period is often charged with negative emotions. However, once we move into January there is often a spike in the number of suicide attempts and actual suicides. 

The promise of a New Year holds up hope and optimism for some and abject misery for others. The so-called ‘broken promise theory’ is an attempt at explaining the mechanism behind the suicide rate increase; it goes like this. Christmas holds up a certain optimism that people will get together, presents will be exchanged, and a supportive and peaceful atmosphere will prevail. The reality is typically very different. The promise of Christmas quickly becomes dashed and despair resumes or is perhaps even amplified as a result.

Expectation.

The indoctrination into this expectation-trap happens very early.

How many of you, as a kid, were asked by parents or grandparents to make a Christmas list?  How many of you are STILL ASKED?  And how many of you actually RECEIVE anything that is on your list??? 

Expectation.  As kids, we’re asked to make a list of what we want—and it set’s us up from the very beginning.  How many of us have walked away from a pile of opened presents disappointed?  It wasn’t what we asked for.  It wasn’t the right size.  It wasn’t the right color.  It wasn’t anything we’d even remotely be seen wearing or carrying in public.  Creating a list of what we desire—be it a wish list or a prayer list—sets up expectation, and expectation sometimes sets up disappointment.  And for many of us, that doesn’t just apply to Christmas.

Another expectation “set-up” is all the hype about “family” this time of year.  As the secular world has moved Christmas farther and farther away from Christ, they have made it more and more a “family holiday.”  With this increased focus on family comes a new set of expectations for what this “family time” is supposed to look like.  We create pressure for ourselves and for others as we often set our expectations unrealistically high—maybe Dad won’t drink this year.  Maybe Mom will actually speak to me.  Maybe this Christmas I won’t be going to family events alone, yet again.  Maybe I’ll have a child to celebrate this year.  Maybe my ex will be fair about visitation.  Maybe this year, the loss I’ve suffered won’t ache quite so badly.  Maybe this year my husband will utter more than three words to me, my sister will actually show up for once, my children will say thank you, we’ll get though an entire meal without screaming.

Maybe. 

Our expectations don’t end there.  We have expectations about being able to take time off.  And sometimes we don’t get it. Others are home with their families, and we’re schelpping back and forth to work day after day.  We can be disappointed.  We have expectations about bonuses.  About feeling appreciated.  About having a little extra to work with when all those bills come in.  We can be disappointed.  We have expectations of our children’s behavior.  Of our spouse’s behavior.  Of our OWN.  Maybe this year they won’t embarrass me so badly at my in-law’s.  Maybe this year he’ll take some time off to be with us.  Maybe this year I won’t eat everything in sight.  We can be disappointed.   

On the spiritual front, we expect, in Advent, the four weeks of the church calendar leading up to Christmas, to encounter Jesus in a meaningful way.  One look at some of the most popular Advent devotional titles gives us a picture of how this expectation gets set up:

• Living Christmas Every Day
• Pursuing Christ: Prayers for Christmastime
• Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus: Experiencing the Peace and Promise of Christmas
• Meeting the Messiah: Scriptures for the Advent Season
• Behold, He Comes
• The Miraculous Journey: Anticipating God in the Christmas Season.

Yet even in this—even in our longing to experience Immanuel—we can come away disappointed.

As a people who are told there is a hope that doesn’t disappoint, the lives we find ourselves living out can sometimes seem contradictory to this promise. We’ve prayed for healing, but it hasn’t come yet.  We’ve prayed for provision, but it hasn’t come yet.  We’ve prayed for reconciliation, but it hasn’t come yet.  We’ve prayed for a deeper intimacy with Jesus, but it hasn’t come yet.  It confuses many of us.  And over time, it often further disappoints.

We’re told, most often, that we must manage our potential disappointment by managing our level of expectation.  And that is a good word—a truthful word.  But unfortunately, many people somehow translate that into, “Try not to HAVE any expectations AT ALL.  None, whatsoever.”  And certainly, there are times where completely releasing all expectation in regard to a particular person or situation is appropriate and God-led.

But it’s undoubtedly not something we accomplish in our own power.  You and I both know that, don’t we?  Because somehow, despite our best attempts to approach the holiday with opened hands, not grasping our expectations too tightly, we often still harbor secret or subconscious hopes that this year will be different.  There’s something within us, despite our best efforts to the contrary, that cannot NOT hope.

Because it seems there’s a bit of expectation that is inherent in Christmas.

We are not, after all, the only people who have had Advent expectations.  Advent, as most of you know, is the Latin word meaning “arrival” or “to arrive”.  It refers, as I mentioned earlier, to the four weeks leading up to Christmas.

Now, if something or someone is going to arrive, you are expecting them, yes?  The people of Israel had been told a Savior was coming.  And after approximately 400 years of silence, they had lots of expectations and hopes about the ARRIVAL of a MESSIAH.

From Isaiah 11, we read:

A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; 
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit… 
 He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, 
or decide by what he hears with his ears; 
but with righteousness he will judge the needy, 
with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth. 
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth; 
with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked. 

From Isaiah 40, we read:

You who bring good news to Zion, 
go up on a high mountain. 
You who bring good news to Jerusalem, 
lift up your voice with a shout, 
lift it up, do not be afraid; 
say to the towns of Judah, 
“Here is your God!” 
See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, 
and he rules with a mighty arm. 
See, his reward is with him, 
and his recompense accompanies him.

And from Isaiah 42:

“Here is my servant, whom I uphold, 
my chosen one in whom I delight; 
I will put my Spirit on him, 
and he will bring justice to the nations. 
He will not shout or cry out, 
or raise his voice in the streets. 
A bruised reed he will not break, 
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. 
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; 
he will not falter or be discouraged 
till he establishes justice on earth. 
In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

And, finally, from Isaiah 9:

The people walking in darkness 
have seen a great light; 
on those living in the land of deep darkness 
a light has dawned. 
You have enlarged the nation 
and increased their joy; 
they rejoice before you 
as people rejoice at the harvest, 
as warriors rejoice 
when dividing the plunder. 
For as in the day of Midian’s defeat, 
you have shattered 
the yoke that burdens them, 
the bar across their shoulders, 
the rod of their oppressor. 
Every warrior’s boot used in battle 
and every garment rolled in blood 
will be destined for burning, 
will be fuel for the fire. 
For to us a child is born, 
to us a son is given, 
and the government will be on his shoulders. 
And he will be called 
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, 
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 
Of the greatness of his government and peace 
there will be no end.

Many of the Israelites expected the fulfillment of these prophecies to be literal.  They were expecting a Messiah.  A king.  A ruler who would squelch their oppressors.  Who would bring justice, freedom, peace.

What they GOT, was something entirely different…

(to be continued…)

advent Christmas disappointment expectation faith hope prophecy reflection spiritual growth