(This is the ninth post in the Serenity Prayer Series)

There’s something about having a chronic condition that both forces you to live with intentional focus metered out one day at a time yet at the same time persistently tugs at the sleeve of your mind, pointing at the days ahead saying “but what about THAT? Did you see THAT? And what are we going to do about THIS…”

And I’m going to be so bold as to start right off by saying that our ability to live in the former of the two—to stay focused on

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time…

is largely dependent upon our ability to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can.

I will also be so bold as to be the first to say I do not do this well.

I am a worrier. A what-if-er.  A worst-case scenario planner. A practice 20 versions of the conversation in my head-er.

I am, according to my children, the adorably high strung but always overprepared Amy Santiago from the good ol’ Nine-Nine.

(For the record, I disagree. I am OBVIOUSLY Rosa. And all my friends in the National Honor Society will totes back me up on that.)

Lord, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage

To change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference—

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time…

But it’s not just this prayer from which we hear this admonition to “stay in our lane” when it comes to time. We read the words of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew:

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” 

Matthew 6:34

We hear from arguably one of our greatest presidents:

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

—Abraham Lincoln

We hear from clergyman and former slave trader turned abolitionist:

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday’s burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.

—John Newton

There is the oft-quoted but of uncertain origin quip most often seen done in cross-stitch:

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.
—Authorship Unknown

Then, of course, there is the great wisdom of the wise philosopher Charles M. Schulz, author and illustrator of the Peanuts cartoons:

This is my report on how to live… They say the best way is just to live one day at a time… If you try to live seven days at a time, the week will be over before you know it.

—Charles M. Schulz

So much is said throughout time and culture regarding this idea—living one day or moment at a time—but what exactly does it mean? And why are continually admonished to heed it?

Well, I think we need to look first at the ways different people may take the expression in different directions based on what they are currently experiencing.

One way people often take these expressions is to turn them into a complete focus on the present and not let regret about the past or anxiety for the future diminish their experience of their life in any way. This is usually what is meant by “living one day at time.” But this actually can often be veiled denial about either a past or upcoming event or issue in their lives they do not want to face, so they use what is actually true and even biblical wisdom as an excuse to avoid dealing with unpleasant things while still sounding wise and spiritual.

This denial can be seen not only in an unwillingness to face one’s past or their future but can also be seen when people are quick to take the easy but momentary way out. When people “live one day at a time” by not opening bills, ignoring doctor appointments, refusing to talk with their partner about necessary next steps, doing further bodily damage by insisting, “I’m just fine, thank you,” or numbing their feelings through anything they can ingest and keep down, both gastrically and visually, they believe they can avoid or outrun or at least NOT FEEL their issues.

Another way people sometimes interpret the lines of this prayer is that they are a call to live as though past and future completely don’t matter and only the present is of importance. This is often what some mean by “living in the moment.” The expression is frequently used by hedonistic types to justify hurtful, wounding, immoral, or even illegal behavior. If only the present matters, there can be no consequences for their actions because consequences typically happen in the future.

If only the present matters, why not enjoy the “company” of a hook-up for the evening? If only the present matters, why not eat the allergen, drink the beverage that won’t mix with my meds, opt not to take the meds at all because I don’t like how they make me feel? If only the present truly matters, why not take the extra dose to take the edge off, pocket a little cash out of mom’s purse because she won’t likely miss it anyway, chase a thrill not to feel high but to feel ANYTHING AT ALL?

Another way we see this “living in the moment” idea unhealthily manifested is by trying to take over and take control of the moment at hand. If we can control the moment, we think, then we can control the outcomes—past, present and future.  We can undo past damage. We can stall or halt present activity. We can ultimately avoid any future spread or progression. Ultimately, I think we actually even harbor an unconscious belief that if we can control the present moment, we can even control time—rates of growth, prognoses, life expectancies. It all hinges on our control of this very moment and our actual ability within this moment to tamper with trajectories, forever altering the courses of our illnesses and thereby our lives.

Or so we think.

I obviously do not believe any of these options are real nor are they what the author of the Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Niebuhr, had in mind when he wrote it. I believe he had more in mind, something like this passage out of Ecclesiastes 3:

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:2-8  (MSG)

Or perhaps he was thinking something along the lines of the billionaire, philanthropist founder of Go Daddy, Bob Parsons:

No matter how difficult your situation is, you can get through it if you don’t look too far into the future, and focus on the present moment. You can get through anything one day at a time.

—Bob Parsons

Perhaps he is hitting on something Paul seems to be driving home in his letter to the Philippians about being in the moment:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV

Perhaps he is thinking, as another theologian once wrote:

There is a time for everything. The wisdom is to discern what is needed in this moment, what is called for right now.

—Author Unknown

Or possibly he is reminding us, as does the psalmist:

Lord, my days are in your hands.

Psalm 35:15 

So, if this is what he had in mind, or something along these lines, then how do we live this way? How do we live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time?

A few thoughts:

First, you have to allow yourself to feel your feelings—even the bad ones. In order to live in the moment, you can’t push anything down or hold anything back. You have to give yourself permission to feel ALL THE FEELS. I love this quote from a former cancer patient:

Living one day a time for me is to allow myself to feel ALL of my feelings: sadness, anger, strength, love, and hope. Be with your feelings in that moment and realize it is a moment in time that can change, that will change.

—Nenasmom

So this means you have to let the emotions come, like a wave at the beach—and rather than bracing yourself against it, you have to let yourself dive into it and ride it to shore. It is the only way to avoid eating sand. But then when the wave goes, you don’t have to chase it, you don’t have to manufacture another one—you simply let the next one come when its ready. The emotion comes, and you ride it. This may mean you scream or yell or cry or hit something (NON-LIVING, to clarify) go for a hard run or workout or write poetry or bang it out on your piano or just sit in silence. And then, when the emotion goes, you let it go.

Second, you rein in your thought life. In Christian scripture they actually use the expression “taking every thought captive.” I think this is a powerful image, though a tiring one to envision trying to undertake. I don’t know about you, but I have a LOT OF THOUGHTS and they are loud and frequently talk over the top of one another. Trying to capture each one would be a never-ending task. So I try to focus, instead, on an old gardening trick I remember reading about.

I remember reading an article on anxiety, (stick with me—the gardening part will come) and the author was obsessed with the number of weeds in his yard. (I do not understand this obsession, but will follow it for the sake of the metaphor.) This obsession was compounded by the fact that his neighbor had THE PERFECT LAWN. Ever blade of grass was even and of the same variety and there was not a single blasted dandelion in sight.

After months, if not years, of going after these weeds in every possible way he knew how, he finally broke down and asked his neighbor how his yard looked so good. (What a novel idea…) What his neighbor said was this:

If you want a healthy yard, you have to focus on the grass not the weeds. You can pull weeds all your life but they will always come back. In order to have a weed-free yard, YOU HAVE TO WORK ON CULTIVATING HEALTHY GRASS. Because when the grass is healthy, the root system is too thick for the weeds to get through.

His analogy, as I mentioned, had to do with anxiety—if you keep going after every anxious thought, one by one, you’re going to be on the anxiety-merry-go-round until you puke. BUT… if you FOCUS INSTEAD ON CULTIVATING PEACE, THE ANXIOUS THOUGHTS CANNOT COME UP THROUGH THEIR ROOTS.

THIS is what I mean by taking our thoughts captive. It is learning, whether it be through meditation or journaling or centering prayer or praying the mala or the rosary, to cultivate peace and quiet internally in order that any type of negativity cannot make its way through. Which then enables us to remain in the moment.

And finally, in order to live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time (bearing in mind that these are but three ideas among many), I believe we have to be living our lives for someone or something bigger than ourselves, especially the smaller our “actual” world becomes.

For some, it takes the form of being “a part” of an event or a team. Where I live, there’s a little sports team you might have heard of called The Ohio State (and yes, “The” MUST be capitalized) Buckeyes. We’re the ones whose fans rioted and looted their OWN CAMPUS once after playing their major Big Ten rival at home, burning cars and couches and dumpsters in the streets. The crazy thing? WE HAD WON THE GAME.

And yet, despite being a die-hard NON-sports fan, there is something that comes over me when I walk up that ramp into that sea of roiling red filling the ‘Shoe with the refrain of Hang on Sloopy played by TBDBITL because in that moment I AM A BUCKEYE and I am a part of something SO much bigger than myself that its like an ocean carrying me away on a large, scarlet wave screaming O-H! I-O! O-H! I-O!

And I don’t even like football.

We ALL want to be a part of something BIGGER than ourselves—to LIVE OUR LIVES for something bigger than ourselves.

For some this may be a spouse or a partner. It may be children or grandchildren. It may be faith or religion or spirituality. It may be the preservation of our planet. Of democracy. Of human decency. It may be search for a cure. For reasonable and cost-effective treatment. For advocacy and awareness.

Whatever it is, is has to be big enough that it gets us through those days and moments when the pain is unbearable or the fatigue has you pinned to the bed or the flare is on day 20 billion or people staring and asking stupid questions about your mobility aids again or your doctor is messing with your meds or you’re up several nights in a row with painsomnia—it has to be big enough that it gets us through those long, hard moments one…at…a…time…

Because in those moments, our worlds can seem pretty small. But when we know the secret all Buckeyes know, suddenly our world expands without even having to get out of bed. It’s as if we each have an Amy Santiago binder full of rich, life-giving meaningfulness, complete with colored tabs in their correct ROYGBIV order.

AND THEY’RE MEANT TO BE SHARED.

SQEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

There’s a song made popular most recently by its performance on Glee (is Glee STILL a thing?) but is originally from the circa 1990s musical Rent that you hear sung often at high school concerts and graduations. I think it is a fitting way with which to conclude, as it asks how many moments does it take to measure a year:

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes – how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes – how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How 
about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes – how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died….

It’s time now to sing out,
though the story never ends
let’s celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

We live one day at a time, we enjoy one moment at a time, we love one person at a time, and we count the moments one by one and we string them together and there we have it:

A STORY OF LOVE.

Written one day at a time.

525600minutes amysantiago anxiety avoidance balanced living be present brooklynninenine buckeyefootball consequences contentment control denial emotional health one day at a time peace presence rent serenity serenity prayer thought life worry