It is 12:00 on Monday, November the 28^th.

This morning an active shooter was reported on the Ohio State campus located only miles from my home. Currently we know that nine people are in the hospital and a suspect is dead.

As of right now I am sitting in my chair with fuzzy socks on trying to comprehend what the hell just happened. I am praying for the safety of friends, praying for the safety of families, and I am praying that God speak to us as we process this tragedy.

How on earth does one process something like this? And even more confusingly how does one process this when they believe in a God of love and good intention?

My processing tends to look a little something like unnecessary naps and crying in the shower. Also, eating ungodly amounts of ice cream. Everyone has their thing, don’t judge. But regardless of the amount of food consumed, or tears shed, or the extra dose of sleep aid, nothing touches grief.

When we try and process brokenness without God, we only succeed in creating more footholds for darkness. When we attempt to handle tragedy alone we create a deeper root system for hopelessness. Tragedy includes death and violence. It includes accidents and illness and things out of our hands.

Today I am experiencing grief for the students and families affected by the shooting at OSU. Many days I experience grief because of my illness and incapability. Grief is a part of our lives no matter how careful we are, or how reasonable we are, or how good of a person we think we are. We are going to experience grief, and how we choose to handle it makes all the difference.

Let me get this straight: Grief is not a bad thing. GRIEF IS NOT A SIN. The problem is when grief separates us from God. And let’s be real, being without God while being in pain is like, the worst possible feeling in the world.

As I was overwhelmed by shaking limbs and unstoppable tears this morning I was faced with a decision. God, or Me. It made me think of having a night mare as a kid. Do you b-line it to your parent’s room or do you shiver alone in the dark?

I don’t always make the right choice. Actually, I don’t often make the right choice. But on this particularly gray morning I did, and as emotion overwhelmed me I asked not “why the hell would a God of love do this”, I asked Him to speak to my grief and I worshipped Him.

I didn’t want to quiet my mind. I didn’t want to thank Him for His goodness. I didn’t want to try and see things a different way. But change never comes to a stubborn heart.

I hate being sick. I do. And I hate even more that God is trying to tell me its good. It frustrates me to no end that He asks me to worship Him for His goodness when I am the embodiment of brokenness. It’s taken me an embarrassingly long time to come to this conclusion, and it’s even better because I fight the conclusion tooth and nail. Nonetheless, my conclusion is this: I’m literally gonna die if I don’t try and do things differently.

My ideas are tainted with selfishness and cowardice and hopelessness and pride. My ideas are wrong.

And so are yours.

When I asked God to reveal His heart to me in a position of thanksgiving and desire, He spoke to me immediately. (Doesn’t happen often but today it did, and it was awesome. Thanks Jesus.)

Isaiah 55:8 reads, “…for my thoughts are not your thoughts” declares the Lord, “neither are my ways like your ways.”

In the new living translation, he says “my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine”

Living with messy means living with brokenness. Messy isn’t always controllable and its rarely fun.

But what makes messy bearable is the choice to wear a new pair of glasses. Even if they hurt your head at first. Even if they really aren’t your style.

The only way we can experience healing and true solace from our grief is when we set aside our own ideas, our own routine, our pride, our stubbornness, and we allow God to show us the better way.

I am still shocked and broken hearted over the events of today. But I took that feeling and brought it to my King and He gave me peace that He is sovereign.

I am still filled with grief towards my body and my isolation, but I now have a better understanding of my own habits, and a better understanding of the process of grief and how I can apply it to this area of my life.

It sucks butt that we feel pain. It’s really not fun that we are capable of uncontainable grief. But we have been given a gift of hope and of peace that is there for the taking. If we just quit trying to do it our way.

I don’t know about you but I’d definitely like that gift. I’m by no means graceful or patient or moldable. But I am driven and eager to learn.

So let’s talk. About grief. About our bad habits and our good habits. Let’s encourage one another and give tips. (‘Cause Lord knows I need all the help I can get lol.)

Jesus’ desire is for us to know Him and to find joy in Him. So let’s get on it.

Peace out.

Keira

acceptance despair doubt grief loss reflection worship