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The Holiday Pre-Game Show
If any of you are like me,
having grown up in your average, American home,
you probably spent the vast majority of both the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays the same torturous way I did:
suffering through hours upon hours upon HOURS of televised football events.
I grew up in Toledo, which is actually a suburb of Detroit—I don’t know if you knew that—so it was a GIVEN that the Lions would be on in whichever household we happened to be celebrating Thanksgiving. We certainly were not alone—the average viewership for both the Lions and the Cowboys Thanksgiving showdowns are around 30 million people every year. In fact, three pro games are played on Thanksgiving every year, and typically at least one college game as well—not to mention the jam-packed lineup for the rest of the weekend.
But it’s not just Thanksgiving, as you well know. It’s the entire holiday season—because we all know, of course, that the best way to celebrate gratitude and good gifts and new beginnings is FOOTBALL. There are six pro games played in the week leading up to Christmas, including two on Christmas Eve, though Christmas day, itself, does actually appear to be sacred. But not for long—because the schedule picks right back up with six games on the 26th. And let’s not even get started about New Year’s. So, you should be getting the picture by now that holidays spent with my family typically mean the TV will be on 24/7 and the only thing on the TV will be football. God help us ALL.
Now, it wasn’t bad enough that we had to suffer through an endless lineup of football games—because at least if the game is going on, the people on the TV are actually going to be DOING SOMETHING—but we also had to be subject, before EACH AND EVERY GAME, to the dreaded pregame show.
Now, if you’re fortunate enough to not have been forced to endure hours of has-been football players pontificate about football, let me explain what the pregame show does: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
NO. THING.
It’s at least an hour of men sitting around replaying highlights of each teams’ previous games, analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of each team, and showing interviews with fans and coaches from each team. FOR AN HOUR. At LEAST.
So beyond the fact that the pregame show is an hour spent watching middle aged men with spray tans and large, gaudy rings and expensive haircuts do nothing but TALK ABOUT FOOTBALL, here is what bugs me about the pregame show:
it doesn’t impact the outcome of the game.
They rehash history and they rehearse statistics and they replay the high points and the low points, but in the end, there is nothing to the pregame show other than analysis and prediction. There is not a thing those men can do to control the outcome—they can’t control the score, they can’t control the calls, they can’t control the events as they unfold. All of the hours of time and energy put into this regular program does nothing but get people revved up and on edge for the game.
We’ve talked, the last two years we’ve hosted this event, about disappointment—about managing expectations to lessen the effect of the post-holiday let-down so many of us experience. Today, we’re going to talk instead about our own version of the “pre-game show.”
We’re going to talk this morning about what happens when we spend HOURS, pre-event, wrapped up in analysis and prediction—and the effect that has on our bodies, minds, and spirits. Experts call this “anticipatory emotion,” and it looks a little bit like this:
You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you find yourself wondering what your mother is going to say about your parenting after she’s hyped your kids up with Christmas cookies, let them stay up three hours late, and then sits back to critique how you handle the aftermath? Anticipatory emotion.
Or what about the dread you wake up with every morning when you know you don’t have plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas and you’re pretty sure you’re going to be stuck spending both days at home alone, probably with a bottle of wine? Anticipatory emotion.
Better yet, what about the frustration and indignation you feel when you know you’re going to have to defend your choice not to drink or not to eat gluten or not to come at all, so you spend hours rehearsing the angry conversations in your mind, working yourself up in the process? Anticipatory emotion!
You see, anticipatory emotion is what we feel about an event in advance of the event as we analyze what has happened in the past, predict what will happen in the near future, and, if you’re anything like me, rehearse the possible outcomes. And when we spend our time in the present whipping up emotions in advance of something, we are borrowing trouble from tomorrow and robbing ourselves of today. (And if that idea sounds familiar, it’s probably because they are the words of Jesus, himself.)
You see, when we watch the old game tapes in our heads of holidays past, when we rehash old conversations or events, when we analyze our behavior to come up with ten ways we could have done last Thanksgiving differently—we’re borrowing trouble from the past, thinking it will predict the future. And when we DO try to predict the future—when we consider all the possible responses we might have for our ex-spouse’s outrageous demands or come up with three possible scenarios for dealing with Dad’s drinking or create a list of “safe” topics for around the extended family dinner table that don’t include anybody having an opinion about anything—we are taking an advance out and borrowing trouble from tomorrow. And neither REALLY helps us in the moment.
So, why is it called “anticipatory emotion?” The answer to that is pretty obvious—we are anticipating what might happen, which then causes us to feel NOW what we would likely feel if that thing or event happened later. We feel all the feels NOW because our EMOTIONS don’t know that the scenario is just that—a possible outcome. If we’re playing an event (or our interpretation of an event) on the screen of our mind—whether it’s past, future, or present—our heart and mind and body IS GOING TO RESPOND AS IF IT’S REAL AND IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
That’s the allure of the pre-game show! Because men (and some women) WANT to get worked up about the game! BUT, in real life, that anticipatory emotion can be very unpleasant and not so desirable.
This is because anticipation is a really tricky way of relating to the world. When we wait for our Christmas presents, or for our parents to come home when we are children, or for the boyfriend to propose, or for the season finale of our favorite show, anticipation signifies the beginning of expected relief and JOY. When used in this way—when anticipation is defined as looking forward to something—it’s synonymous with hope.
BUT as life progressively disappoints us and as we register these disappointments and even outright WOUNDS, this belief in a promised outcome and a much-wished for end-result becomes translated into a hideous form of disappointment that happens in our heads often long before it happens in life. Because we’re both hoping for a better outcome AND expecting things to be more of the same, if not worse, we end up living, for much of November and December, in a place of anxiety and anger and sadness and often DREAD.
But we don’t just experience this anticipation emotionally—if the past or the future we’re borrowing from begins to overwhelm us, we’re going to experience it physically, as well. Muscle tension, headaches, stomach upset, difficulty sleeping, loss of or increase in appetite, decreased energy levels, anxiousness and jitters, impotence, reduced immunity, inability to concentrate, hair loss, breakouts. We create in our bodies a response to something that’s not even really happening. And that’s not good for us.
When we experience prolonged stress—like the stress we create for ourselves when we live in a state of anticipatory emotion—this puts us at increased risk of numerous chronic and potentially life-threatening health problems, including diabetes, heart disease, digestive issues, adrenal burnout, and autoimmune disorders, and more.
So, what do we do? How do we reign in our thoughts and our emotions and our physiology? To answer that, we’re going to take our cues both from the pre-game show AND from the Ultimate Playbook—The Word. So let’s begin:
First, we must stop reviewing old game tapes: If we’re going to get free of anticipatory emotions, we have to learn to stop rehashing and overanalyzing the past in preparation for the future—because the past is not entirely predictive. We rehash prior events because we think analyzing them then gives us insight and with that insight we can create a plan and if we have a plan then we feel like we have some smidgen of control in the situation. But let’s be honest—does that ever REALLY work? Do you REALLY ever have control? NO. The correct answer is NO. We don’t. So all we’ve done is worked ourselves up in advance AND we’ve now set ourselves up to be disappointed in and frustrated with ourselves, to boot.
Because here’s the deal—you can’t control the game on the television, no matter how brilliant your analysis is or how loudly you yell at the TV. You know that, right? You are NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE OUTCOME. We have to learn to accept that we cannot understand all things, we cannot know the unknown, and we cannot control the uncontrollable.
So we have to TURN OFF our old game tapes and instant replays by taking the thoughts captive and disciplining ourselves to not revisit previous events, OR, even better yet, we need to THROW THEM OUT by processing them with a counselor so we can let go of them for good. Don’t be captive to your thoughts and BY ALL MEANS don’t pop popcorn and get all cozy on the couch to settle in and watch your old tapes! That’s a PERSONAL FOUL—a personal foul is a foul that involves danger to another player. And in these cases, the person in danger is YOU.
So stop watching old game tapes. Watching them does nothing to affect the outcome of the actual event and only gets us worked up in advance. And if you still find you desperately need something to rehearse in your mind, take a cue from the Ultimate Playbook and follow the example of the Psalms: instead of rehearsing old family videos of holiday traumas, rehearse all the ways in which God has been faithful to you throughout them. It worked for David, and it will work for you.
Secondly, if we’re going to be free of anticipatory stress, we need to stop “Arm-chair Quarterbacking”: The armchair quarterback is one who thinks he or she knows better than the professionals—armchair quarterbacks have and offer opinions on things about which THEY HAVE NO EXPERTISE.
We don’t just have a nasty habit of analyzing situations, we also have a tendency to analyze the other people involved and assume we know their motives, and then we act based on those assumptions—which is another PERSONAL FOUL. I’m going to go out on a limb here and make the assumption that at least 95% of the people reading this aren’t mental health professionals. So diagnosing people is probably not in your professional skill set, am I right? (Now, believe me, I know WE’VE ALL got SKILZ. We ALL know how to plan “pin a label on the donkey.” But not all of us have been CLINICALLY trained to do so.) And even for those of us who are legally QUALIFIED to find out what page each of our family members inhabits in the DSM-V, you’ve hopefully learned by now that most family members aren’t typically appreciative when you share that very helpful and well-thought out information with them. I’m just sayin…
So when we interact with people based on our amateur analysis and assume we know their motives we do them a disservice and we put ourselves in a position of trying to call the shots of the game based on what WE believe to the ideal strategy, because we’re pretty sure WE KNOW BEST what’s actually going on. FROM OUR ARMCHAIR. And at best, this only serves to get US worked up, and at worst, it throws a bomb onto the playing field and everyone reacts accordingly.
Proverbs 18:2 gives us some insight into this problem: A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. We can be full of opinions about the situation and about others, based on our own in-depth analysis, but that’s not the same, my friends, as actually knowing. And until we KNOW, we would be wise to listen to Proverbs 29:11, which reminds us that, A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Next, in order to get out of an anticipatory state, you have to accept that you are not a forecaster. SO STOP PREDICTING: The root word of “predict” is a Latin word that literally means to declare or make known ahead of time. But inherent in this definition is the belief that WE CAN KNOW anything ahead of time.
And why do we want to know things ahead of time? Because, again, we want the confidence and reassurance that we can control the outcome and have it be POSITIVE. Or, at the very least, NEUTRAL. We can’t accept the possibility of a negative outcome, so we require absolute certainty of our future comfort and safety.
But we know—or at least we SHOULD know—that there are no such guarantees. And so our job has to become lowering our risk of problem outcomes as much as makes common sense and then accepting the remaining risk that is not under our control. We only have two other basic options. We can keep worrying about the risk while we continue our involvement with the holidays, or we can withdraw from the activities that create our distress.
You see, anticipatory anxiety is a negative projection about an unknown outcome. The prediction is that the outcome will be BAD, and so we act and feel accordingly. And this drains us emotionally and physically.
Corrie Ten Boom, the author of The Hiding Place, once said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.”
Jesus said it even more plainly, in his Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?… the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
The audience he is addressing is predicting lack. Did you catch that? What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? They are predicting a future within which they do not have what they think they will need. And that prediction has them stirred up and anxious, which leads them to rehearse possible scenarios in their minds.
We do this, too—do we not? We predict a situation or a conversation will happen, and we rehearse it endlessly in our minds. But here’s the problem—we’re usually only rehearsing the negative possibilities. We’re rehearsing the arguments we see coming, the disappointment we expect to feel, the difficulty staying away from particular temptations. This is a PERSONAL FOUL. Rehearsing the NEGATIVE only breeds more NEGATIVE. And makes you feel like CRUD. (You know I’m right.)
So here is my rule: unless you are rehearsing a necessary conversation with your counselor, do not have pre-event conversations in your head, especially when they involve trash-talk. You’re wasting your breath and you’re stirring yourself up unnecessarily. So, in the words of Bob Newhart, STOP IT.
Then, when the time comes, you have to get in the game: And in order to play the game well, you HAVE to BE IN SHAPE. You need to go into whatever it is you dread about the holidays IN THE RIGHT ZONE—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You can’t go in vulnerable—that’s a PERSONAL FOUL. You’ll only end up getting wounded.
So what does this mean? It means a lot of things. It means you need to work NOW on keeping your thought life in check. Nine times out of ten, your opponent is NOT the people at the event or the loneliness of an empty apartment or the Christmas cookies or the vodka hidden under the bathroom sink. Your opponent is your THOUGHT LIFE and what Satan tries to sow within it. Everything that happens in our own personal holiday pre-game show is happening INTERNALLY for the most part, unless we’re talking about it with others and gathering more arm-chair quarterbacks onto our teams. It’s all happening in our thought life. So that is where the battle is fought.
It also means you’ve got to go in suited up—the armor of God is your pads and uniform, and scripture is both your sword and your playbook. Build up muscles of self-control, patience, peace, perseverance, faith, forgiveness, strength. Work with a counselor, a spiritual director, a sponsor, a trusted friend to identify what needs to be shored up in you going into these situations you’re facing, and then work together to prepare you to handle them differently, healthily, more wisely, less reactively. If you’re going onto the playing field, go READY.
BUT, that being said, you need to also know that sometimes it’s best to SIT THE BENCH or NOT EVEN SUIT UP: Good boundaries are essential. The whole game and all its rules are predicated on good boundaries. Fouls are called on players because boundaries have been BROKEN. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE NOT OPTIONAL—THEY ARE WHAT THE GAME IS BUILT UPON.
Just because someone expects you to be somewhere doesn’t mean it’s mandatory. Falling prey to pressure and false guilt is a PERSONAL FOUL. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by others only to end up being miserable and hurt and angry. Part of loving people well is knowing when to say, “No, thank you. I have other plans this year.”
AND DOING SO WITHOUT FALSE GUILT. ESPECIALLY when someone plays the “I THOUGHT you were a CHRISTIAN” card. Healthy boundaries and appropriate self-care is not selfish, it’s not dishonoring, it’s not rude, it’s not hateful, it’s not vengeful, it’s not “unchristian.” I repeat: HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE NO SELFISH, DISHONORING, RUDE, OR UNCHRISTIAN.
When they are applied appropriately and with love and respect, THEY ARE WISDOM.
There are reasons why a player can’t grab another player’s facemask or head butt them with their helmet. There are reasons why players can’t “horse-collar” the ball carrier and grab them from behind by their shoulder pads or jerseys and yank them down to the ground by their necks. There are reasons why you can’t hit another player in the head or face. There are reasons why personal fouls exist, and there are reasons why they don’t put injured players in the game—IT’S FOR THEIR SAFETY. BOUNDARIES EXIST FOR YOUR SAFETY. Start allowing the Holy Spirit to be your referee and to say, “Nope—what he or she just said was a personal foul. Either they take the penalty, or you’re not playing this game with them any longer.”
Healthy boundaries, Spirit-led and appropriately applied, are WISDOM and are OKAY. PERIOD.
And finally, we must remember that peace is not the OUTCOME, peace is our DEFENSE: Philippians 4:6-7 is often over-quoted when we talk about peace, but there is a reason I want to share it with you in this context. It reads:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Peace isn’t the OUTCOME, peace is what defends our hearts and our minds. To guard something obviously means to protect it, but the word guard also means to hamper an opponent. And who did we say our opponent was? The Enemy’s use of OUR THOUGHT LIFE. The Peace of God is not passive, the Peace of God is ACTIVE—I love the analogies used in the scriptures that tell us peace is like a RIVER. It’s not a placid lake that simply reflects the sky—it has energy, it has a current, it is moving, it is flowing. And when it comes to our hearts and our minds, PEACE FIGHTS BACK.
In our football analogy, we are the quarterback in our lives, and peace is our Left and Right Guards—it keeps us from getting hit and taken down by the opponent so that we can carry out the play. So we can play the actual game—so we can live our life—with some semblance of protection when we need it most.
And so our prayer for you is that you will learn ways in which you can cultivate this Peace That Passes All Understanding in the areas where you need it most going into this holiday season. And particularly during the Pre-Game, where our tendency is to get ourselves all whipped up in anxious anticipation for what we predict might be coming based on our stunning expert analysis.
Peace CAN be cultivated, it CAN be walked in regularly, and it CAN guard you from the opponent.
But cultivating it, ultimately, is up to YOU.
We’ve got to TURN OFF the Pre-Game Show, Friends, and stop borrowing trouble from tomorrow.
Trust Jesus to meet you in each present moment.
Prepare to enter the game as healthy and ready as possible,
but don’t live in negative prediction and preparation.