When working with couples gridlocked in conflict and resentment, there is an exercise I often have them do in an attempt to shift their focus.

We begin with a modification of “The Miracle Question,” which goes a little something like this:

Let’s say you wake up tomorrow morning, and it becomes immediately evident a miracle has happened overnight while you were sleeping.  The miracle transformed your marriage into the exact type of relationship you’ve always desired to have with your spouse.  It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty darn near close.  What is different?  How are you different?  How is your spouse different?  What are you both thinking?  Saying?  How are you acting?  If I were watching you both, how would I know the miracle had occurred?

It’s a simple Brief Therapy technique designed to help couples identify the change they’d like to see in their spouse and in themselves.  But then, it goes a step further.

After identifying the desired change, they are challenged to go home, and ONE day over the next week or two between sessions, they are to try all day to BE THE MIRACLE.  The catch?  They aren’t allowed to tell their spouse which day it is. The clincher?

The spouse has to come back and tell me which day their partner was the miracle.

The exercise is designed, as previously mentioned, to shift both spouse’s focus.  The theory is that we SEE what we are LOOKING FOR.  If you’re assigned to notice which day your spouse is “being the miracle,” which are you looking for?  The negative behavior, or the miracle?  Most people will be looking for the miracle.

And the more they look for the miracle, the more of their spouse’s positive behavior they’ll see.

The premise is applicable in so many areas of life.  The more we look for the negative, the more we find.  The more we look for the positive?  Bingo.  The more we will see.

It logically stands to reason, then, that this same principle applies to Immanuel. God with us. The more we look for evidences of his presence—his arrival in our lives—the more we will see.  This then begs the question: what are we looking for, and how do we find it?

I believe there are a few, simple disciplines that can sharpen our focus and help us to become more aware of Immanuel in our daily lives:

• Gratitude. There are a wealth of statistics currently available to back up the claims that practicing gratitude actually makes us happier, more positive people.  This carries over into the spiritual realm, as well.  The more we look for things for which to thank God, the more evidences of his movement in our lives we find.

• Praise and worship. Likewise, the more we turn our thoughts toward the goodness of God and keep that in the forefront of our minds, the more we see.  Cultivating a continual mindset of worship not only provides a positive focus to our thoughts, but it makes us more alert to noticing his goodness and mercy in places we never expected to see it.

• Meditation. Taking time to dwell in a passage of scripture often gives the Holy Spirit space to illuminate the passage in a way casual reading cannot.  The more time we take—and the more divinely-inspired creativity we use—marinating in these truths, the more they soften our hearts and open our eyes to their operation in our lives.

• Two-way prayer. While it can take a while, for some, to get the water flowing from this pump, it is worth the patience it takes to develop this discipline.  When we consciously choose to stop and LISTEN, rather than keep talking, we increase our likelihood of and our ability to actually hear God speak to us, making us further aware of his presence in our lives.

• ASK. Finally, if we aren’t sure where God is in a situation—if we just can’t SEE God with us—we can outright ask him to show us.  A simple, “Lord, where are you.  What are you up to?  I don’t want to miss it,” and then a moment of listening, will often reveal glimpses of both his presence and his will in situations we simply could not see him in before.

Like the couples I work with, we cannot “grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  These are disciplines—they require sustained effort and attention.  We must persist in the looking.  And we must choose to see—to receive what we see, to trust what we see, to pursue what we see—if we are to experience Immanuel in the way God intended.

We see what we want to see.

What are you going to look for, this Christmas, in order to find Immanuel?

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