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Why it’s scary to be sick.

It’s not just about being sick.

It’s about so.

much.

more.

I turned 50 this year.

 

And for many women, between the approach of the empty nest, the encroachment of visible signs of wear and tear, and “aging out” of opportunities to do things of significance long before men do, this milestone is often associated with the mythological “mid-life crisis.”⁠ ⁠

 

Essentially,⁠ ⁠

an IDENTITY crisis.⁠ ⁠

 

I would argue, however, that EVERY milestone brings with it a crisis of identity—⁠ ⁠

and that crisis is often a WHOLE LOT BIGGER⁠ ⁠ when you throw chronic illness in the mix.⁠ ⁠ ⁠ ⁠

 

The TEENAGER who becomes sick misses the opportunity to “play dress up.” They lose the ability to “try on” different roles and personas to see which best “fit.” During the time at which their peers are all beginning to form the foundation of their SELF, the chronically ill teenager is often at home, alone, laying those foundation stones around their ILLNESS.⁠ ⁠ ⁠

 

The YOUNG ADULT who becomes chronically ill begins to feel very quickly like they are “falling behind” their peers. At a time when others are choosing majors and trying on possible career paths, they are floundering just trying to figure out what the HECK is wrong with them. And at a time when their peers are becoming more and more independent, they are becoming, often, less so, both physically and financially. Their identity is forged around what they are NOT ABLE TO DO.⁠ ⁠ ⁠

 

EARLY ADULTHOOD is often marked by getting married, having babies, settling in to a career, having adventures. If the person who is sick at this age is even able to have the chance or get to DO some of these things, the question of identity often shifts from “I am a sick person” to “what does it mean to be a sick person with a spouse or partner? With a baby? With a full time job?” And for those for whom these things have not happened, the question of identity becomes “what does it mean to be sick and single? To be sick and unable to support myself? To be sick without healthcare coverage?” Identity is forged around WHAT IT MEANS TO BE SICK WITH/WITHOUT __________.⁠ ⁠

 

MID-LIFE brings new challenges. People are more and more identified by their roles and accomplishments. But what if your only role is “sick person?” What if you’re not “room mom” or manager” or “Dr. _____” or “member” or “Babe” or “Mommy?” What if you’re not the top earner or bake the best cookies or throw the best parties or drive the nicest car or climb the ladder the fastest? How do you base your identity AROUND WHAT YOU DO when you’re not able to do much of anything?

 

EARLY LATE-ADULTHOOD, for lack of a better way to put it, is largely focused around leaving a legacy—be it a company or a church or a discovery or a volume of work or the evidence of changed lives or even a darling grandchild. Everyone wants to LEAVE A MARK that ensures their name is still known. That their identity on. But what if the only mark you’ve been able to make is the dent in the couch cushion or easy chair where you spend most of your time?

 

And, finally, in LATE ADULTHOOD, we’ve come full circle. All the accoutrements of life are gone and we’re once again trying on who we want to be now and longing once again for independence. And after a lifetime of being sick, it has, indeed,

been one of the things that has MOST DEFINED OUR LIVES.

 

THIS is why it’s scary to be sick.

 

Because you can, if you’re not careful, lose all sense of self and become “the sick one.”

 

And that, truly, precipitates a crisis.  ⁠

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And identity is only

the tip of the iceberg.