Today was one of those days when you have to choose, yet again, that very day, if you’re going walk in the way of surrender and faith or walk in the way of tantrum-throwing and fear.

I’ll let you know which path I end up taking.

The day was not particularly difficult, just particularly long.  That’s all.  Just LONG.  Now, bear in mind, when my counseling practice was at its largest, my “long” days were 12-14 hours.  And I worked them 2-3 times a week.  I told myself it was no different from being a nurse. I told others that, because I was an extrovert, it truly energized me and I didn’t even get tired until I got into the car to drive home.

But something has changed over the past few years and I’m not a fan.

NOT. A. FAN.

My day today was 12 hours—so I will concede that, for a “normal” working situation, it was, indeed, a long day.  A board meeting after work stretched my day beyond my normal 8ish hours, which shouldn’t have been a big deal.  Except that it was.

It’s not just that I’m tired.  Tired is a given in my life.  What has me wrestling internally tonight is that just by virtue of working a longer day, I now have all of my normal telltale signs that indicate my body is fighting something.  I am just short of the “I-feel-like-I’ve-been-hit-by-a-bus” feeling, and all I did was work an extra few hours.

Did I mention I’m not a fan?

The goal was to write tonight, to update old posts, to get things ready for our official launch next week.  I wanted to work a couple hours and ease the anxiety I’m feeling and quiet down the “oh-crap-what-did-I-just-do?” voice in my head that is trying to get me to regret having made this commitment.  I needed to pick up the explosion of books and papers that occurred in my family room yesterday when my new phone arrived and all of life stopped for several hours while I downloaded apps and contacts and pictures and made it pretty.  (Because, after all, pretty is what you want in a phone.)

Instead, I want to curl up on my heating pad and spend hours learning how to use my new phone and hopefully fall asleep early.

Maybe, for you, it’s not even an eight hour day that does this to you.  Maybe it’s four.  Maybe you’re not even able to work currently.  And you’ve each got your own voice in your head whispering your own fears about what you will or will not be able to do simply because your body will not cooperate.

There are things I want to do and goals I want to achieve and a woman whom I want to be and I’m struggling to see how they are compatible with my current situation.

But, God…

My verse for last year, 2015, was 2 Corinthians 4:7—But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  Can I just tell you how badly that makes me want to cuss?

And yet, this is where he has me.  In a body that daily reminds me it is only the vessel and I ain’t got NOTHIN I can bring to the table outside of the power of the Lord at work in me.  Through me.  IN SPITE OF ME.

That is both encouraging and immensely humbling.  I fear that I cannot do this.  I cannot put these words and thoughts out there and hope they have anything to offer anyone.  I cannot keep up with writing and posting and commenting and don’t even get me started on social media.  I cannot reconnect with the emotions I’ve buried for a year or longer and not only FACE them but offer them out for public consumption.  Can I do this?  Can I REALLY do this?

The answer, of course, is…

NO.

But…

GOD.

This all-surpassing power is from God and NOT FROM ME.  And if he has a purpose for my life, he will not just fulfill it in DESPITE OF MY BODY, he will fulfill it also THROUGH MY BODY.

Tonight, it’s about listening to my body and accepting its limits and ignoring the to-do list that really, if I’m honest, is more of a want-to-do list.

Tonight, it’s about acknowledging the struggle that’s going on internally without giving in to anxiety and resignation and self-pity.

Tonight, it’s about cozying up with the new electronic love-of-my life and geeking out about fingerprint activation and voice recognition and free unlimited online storage for all of my thousands of photos.

And just like that, I have written a post tonight, after all.

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